Postpartum blues...and more.

In my prenatal classes, we spend 4 hours dealing with breastfeeding and postpartum. Yes, couples who are expecting are usually very focused on the labour and birth portion of things. And so they should be. But just like when a couple is engaged and planning to get married, and they spend lots of time focusing on and preparing for the wedding, they also need to spend time preparing for marriage itself. The wedding day is a very important day – especially in Christianity. It signifies vows to each other in the presence of Almighty God and all your guests. But it is only one day, and while lots of attention should be given to it, you’d be remiss to forget about learning the ins and outs of marriage – especially communication.

As a Lamaze certified childbirth educator, I feel the same way about postpartum. I do spend hours talking about normal labour, and how to make informed decisions, but there is more. And that “more” encompasses a whole lot more time than just the days or few days you’re working to get your baby out.

2 hours is spent on breastfeeding. I wish it was mandatory for all new and expectant parents to take a course on breastfeeding. And I wish it was mandatory for all nurses – whether hospital or public health – to take the most recent breastfeeding courses for professionals out there. In our culture we are at a huge disadvantage. The vast majority of us have not seen breastfeeding happen in a normal way. In other cultures, breastfeeding is a way of life. Their children see their siblings being nursed. Sisters see their sisters nurse. And no, they don’t cover up. And it’s seen as normal. For them breastfeeding isn’t an option. They see it, and they don’t question “will I be able to do it?” – that would be tantamount to questioning “will I be able to walk?”. Here in Western civilization we see bottle feeding way more than breastfeeding. And this has hampered our ability to learn how to breastfeed. And so now, just as there are many new parents who have never held a newborn baby, there are many new parents who haven’t been exposed to breastfeeding. So education becomes a vital part of prenatal education. Sure, sometimes no amount of education can prepare you for some of the challenges that your baby may present you with. And that can make life difficult with a newborn baby.

You see, that’s why we spend 2 hours on postpartum. And many times I think it’s not enough. Generally speaking the postpartum period (up to 6 weeks for the sake of defining postpartum) is a difficult time ......whether it’s your first baby or your tenth. You’re usually exhausted from giving birth, perhaps you start postpartum with a serious lack of sleep, and now you have a baby that likes to be awake when you’re ready to go to sleep. Combine that with incision pain from a caesarean, or pain from stitches due to a tear or episiotomy, not being able to sit well, engorged breasts when milk comes in, hormonal shifts that lead to unexplained and excessive crying jags (of mom, not baby!), and a baby that wants to be held 24/7 ......... you can have a difficult postpartum. For some moms this all nicely resolves within a couple weeks – maybe the pain subsides, maybe the baby just automatically starts sleeping through the night (or at least limits mom to 1 night feeding), maybe the baby is very even tempered and doesn’t cry much. But other moms, and I think the vast majority of moms, things don’t settle down for a long time. They struggle with breastfeeding, their babies don’t sleep longer than 2- 2 ½ hours at a time, their babies are more fussy generally speaking, their physical recovery takes longer than average ......... and then, add 1-5 more other children who need your attention. Yikes! Yes, some of these moms have fabulous spouses who can take lots of time off. But some don’t.

For all the mistakes that were made in generations past regarding infant feeding (the introduction of formula as being better than breastmilk), or the way they thought babies couldn’t feel pain, or the way they counselled moms to just let baby cry it out in the basement so that babies would learn to sleep through the night from 4 weeks on (can you see attachment issues??), the way they thought solids would be fine at 1 month, etc ......there was something they did RIGHT which we don’t do here in western civilization anymore. STAY IN BED FOR THE FIRST WEEK or longer even!! Even when my mom had me 36 years ago, moms routinely stayed in hospital for 4-6 days! Of course, their belief back then that babies should have formula every four hours, and stay in the nursery wasn’t great. But at least moms were getting the rest they needed to get back on their feet again.

In other cultures (mostly Eastern cultures), it is not uncommon for a mother or mother-in-law to move in after a new baby is born and take care of the new family. Cook for them, clean for them, etc ...leaving the new mom to do what? REST! Bond with baby. Learn to breastfeed. Have what we affectionately call the “baby-moon”. In Holland, you would receive a nurse or midwife who would move in for a week to take care of you – why? Because the postpartum is tough enough without having to worry about the rest of the household. Postpartum blues/depression, while very much a hormonal/chemical imbalance, can be hindered or helped by the amount of postpartum care a mom receives. There is a cultural expectation in our society – (and within the Church) – that a mom should have a baby, and a few weeks later, be doing everything else she was doing before, fit back into her pre-pregnant clothing, plus take care of a new baby 24/7 AND look happy doing it!! In our churches, there is an expectation that we will have our babies baptized within 2 weeks or so. What does this do? It creates strain and stress that babies can feed off. (not positively either!). It makes a mom do awhole lot more than she should and would be able to otherwise. I’ve heard it said from older women “well, we did it! Young moms today are too soft. Buckle up and deal with it!” YIKES. That’s not fair .....comparisons shouldn’t be allowed! No wonder postpartum depression is creeping up, and is at least as high as 1 out of every 5 women. And that’s a conservative estimate!

We need to change the way we view postpartum and new mom/baby dyads. And in a Christian community, we can do so much for each other that many others wouldn’t have the benefit of. When I teach classes, I often ask them what kind of support they have in place. A surprising number haven’t got anything in place. Then again, there are the couples who do have a mom or mom-in-law coming in for a week or two.

In our Christian circles, we should be aware of what the postpartum can be like and sincerely offer our help. How? By offering to take the older kids for a day or two to let mom catch up on some sleep while baby is sleeping. By making meals so that mom – who may still be in pj’s at 4 pm – can focus on her baby rather than sweating about what to make for dinner. By offering to do some housework. By picking up groceries. By offering help in other areas --- by being there to lend an ear when she’s frustrated and needs someone to vent to. Some have suggested that a mom should prepare meals ahead of time. Why should others be expected to step in and do that for them? I agree, it's a good thing for moms to pre-make meals (if she's not on bedrest or just doesn't have any energy for that) - but we can still provide meals for the new family. And I'll suggest why. Because even after the 2-3 weeks that meals could be provided, there are more sleepless nights coming up. Growth spurts can lead to unending feeding sessions, teething, illness etc ....and those meals that mom perhaps spent time cooking extra of in her 9th month of pregnancy could be used then.

I can appreciate that often we don’t have time to help every new mom we know. Especially in our church circles, that could be a HUGE list! J And that’s where I believe some organized help would be beneficial. There shouldn’t be disparity in our church circles or in our community where one mom receives a tonne of help and another receives none. Sure, some moms would opt out of help, saying they truly don’t need it. That’s fine. But when I hear about the number of moms who DO struggle, who do have true baby blues/postpartum depression .....who do quit nursing because they can’t cope with that and everything else ...... then I think we need to step it up a notch. No one should HAVE to do it alone. This is why we have a communion of saints. "It takes a village to raise a child" - makes more sense in cultures where they really do share the load!

The first few days/weeks of a newborns life can set the stage for the next year or two. Don’t underestimate the importance of moms spending as much time with their babies as possible – babes in arms if you will, rather than relegated to a bouncy seat or the bed because mom has too much to do. Our first priority as a mom is to nurture those babies. And we CAN nurture them and bond with them when we receive good postpartum help.