"Is she a good baby?" is a question many, if not all of us, will ask a new mom.
Seems like a very innocent question - a way to start a conversation on how life with a new baby is. I've asked that question many times myself.
BUT.
Is that really an appropriate question to ask? What makes a baby "good" or "bad"?
Can we truly qualify that?
So, generally we think that a non-fussy, breastfeeds well and sleeps through the night (which is 5 hours straight) baby is a good baby.
Does that make a fussy or colicky baby a bad baby?
What about a baby who isn't nursing or can't nurse and is being bottle fed? A mom and baby dyad who are struggling to nurse with problems from latch to milk supply issues?
Or a baby that wakes up every 2 hours consistently through the night? Are they "bad"?
I would assume your answers to those questions would be "no of course not. They're not bad....just .... challenging."
What do we base that on? Preconceived notions (I would think) that babies should fall into a schedule, nurse quickly and efficiently, sleep well, cry little and smile lots. Oh - and of course, sleep through the night. THAT is the hallmark of a good baby. An easy baby. A baby that makes everyone happy.
However, having had a challenging baby - one who didn't nurse well, or sleep well,and was fairly fussy .... I'd have to say that she wasn't good or bad or easy or challenging .....she was herself. A newborn baby. A human infant with intrinsic needs and desires that were exhibited through her behaviours. And when a mom with a baby who doesn't fit the "easy baby" category is asked that question, that mom can feel like her baby is "bad" or, worse, that she is a "bad" parent somehow.
I think that the babies who DO all the "good baby" things are actually NOT the norm.
Babies who fuss alot (unless they're being held in arms or in a sling), who nurse very "on demand" and even often through the night, who have "short" naps, and require lots of work ..they ARE THE NORM. They are "good" babies too.
Just my thoughts as I heard someone ask a new mom that today.
I too have had both "good" baby and challenging baby. As well, I have asked the question too - I ask the question, because if the mother has a challenging baby, then it is taken notice of and if I find I can help out more, with a meal or the other kids, I will. I like to think that most other mothers are doing the same - we are asking so to sympathize and then help out. Not to label the baby as a 'bad' baby, we've all heard of or have had a baby that don't bring warm fuzzy memories to mind. :-)
ReplyDelete-Audrey L
That's a good point Audrey. However, while some moms really want to sympathize (especially if they are in a position to help out if necessary), I do find it's a question asked without that motive in mind. It's asked by strangers, by single people, by older people who won't/can't help out etc. I was reacting more to the idea that there are "good" babies and "bad" babies.
ReplyDeleteI remember being asked that once about Alanna, and my response had to be "well, no, she's quite difficult actually ....." and I felt BAD about that response. :-)
I strongly dislike that question most of the time. There is the exception, like Audrey said, but a lot of times it is just people asking to make small talk, and can be very discouraging for the mom answering.
ReplyDeleteBabies are not "good" or "bad" - they are all unique! No one said parenting was going to be easy. :) I can't say I've completely gotten over my jealousy of moms who have babies who sleep through the night but I have definitely come to terms with the fact that babies most often do not sleep through the night for the first year.
Thanks for this post Nicole.... it's a nice reminder!
Excellent post Nicole!
ReplyDelete