Infant Crying and Sleep ...... a re-post

As mentioned before, I plan on re-posting some of my xanga posts (especially regarding birth, breastfeeding and other things). Recently, I heard of an acquaintance who, in trying to cut back on night feedings, was using the "Baby Wise" book to train her 2 month old baby boy. Whenever I hear that, my stomach clenches out of concern for the baby. The "Baby Wise" books are still widely circulated and accepted, and I don't believe that all parents are aware of the dangers in that book. So here's a re-post from xanga. You may also see that I've changed my blog to public - for now! :-)

Infant Sleep/ CIO/ Demand vs Schedule Feeding ……. What’s a parent to do??

Have you see all the parenting books out there?? ANYONE can be an expert – if you’ve had a baby and you write a book, you are an expert. I could write a book too! (I don’t, I just blog! ) The thing is, there is so much conflicting advice out there, that it can be hard to know what is best for you and your family.

There’s been an interesting “discussion” on facebook with several moms about the advantages/disadvantages of the “crying it out” method of getting baby to sleep, which inevitably led to a bit of a discussion on the “BabyWise” method of childrearing. (by the way, is a book I have read and do have in front of me, and have referred to it again)

What I first want to say, right off the bat, is that there is absolutely no absolute right way to parent every child. Every child has unique needs and demands, that we can’t possibly expect all our children to follow one way of parenting …and many parents who have grown children will attest to that when they recognize that one way of parenting did not produce the same outcome for each child.

It’s no secret – I’m not a fan of Gary Ezzo and his “Baby Wise” book. First, it bothers me that he has no medical training. He’s a pastor. Some will point out that the “co-author” as listed on the book is a doctor – Robert Bucknam, but it is Gary who writes the book. I also cringed a bit when I heard that it was originally called “Growing Kids God’s Way”. Who told him what was God’s way? The Bible should be our only source of raising kids God’s way. And I don’t appreciate the way he shoots down other methods of parenting. There are a number of pitfalls I see in his book ….but I’ll come to that later.

Rather, as a parent, I’m more in line with Dr. Sears and his sons. (but not necessarily all of it mind you!)

Let me point out that I’m not an attachment parenter in the strict sense of the word. I find that with most parenting books, Sears and Ezzo included, you need to take everything with a grain of salt. It is good to read all sorts (if you can) of books, and then take what works for you, apply common sense and work with the unique characteristics of your child. (or .......just go with your gut!!)

What I appreciate behind Dr Sears recommendations regarding feeding, sleep and crying is the underlying knowledge of science ……especially the underlying knowledge of how infants sleep. Here is a good link for you to read if you’d like to understand the other perspective.

This one is on infants sleep patterns and why they wake like they do at night: (and why it’s not necessarily a bad thing!) http://www.askdrsears.com/HTML/7/T070200.ASP

Then there is the understanding of crying and why babies cry. What bothers me the most is the thought that it’s normal for babies to cry for lengthy periods of time. Our hospitals even give out a DVD to new parents called “Purple Crying”. Yikes! I don’t believe that babies like to or want to cry, or that it’s necessarily a good thing for them. I believe that infants have very strong emotional needs – and that ignoring their cries for lengthy periods of time isn’t a good thing. I don’t advocate for CIO being associated with child abuse, nor do I associate CIO with the usual 10 minutes or less of crying it can take for a newborn to wind down. I do, however, appreciate the research behind what Dr. Sears says about crying: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051200.asp (there are a lot of separate sections in this link, but all associated with fussy/crying babies).

Now, here is what I feel are some pitfalls of Baby Wise. (read at your own discretion!)

With the book “BabyWise”, Ezzo takes the extreme end of AP (attachment parenting) instead of the more moderate approach most parents take, and pits it against his Parent Directed Feeding (PDF). Most people I know who say they practice AP, don’t do it the extreme way, they’re more moderate in their approach. He also uses as an example a child named Marisa who obviously has parents without an ounce of common sense it seems. (I’m not sure if that’s a fictional child, or a real child ……). But what bothers me about his attack on baby wearing, and co-sleeping, is how adamant he is against it, calling it dangerous and saying it will lead to fussy and discontent children. (I have a child who was definitely more AP, and is the least fussy, least discontent, most secure child I have).

Someone mentioned on the facebook discussion that many studies/research can be skewed any which way, to which I agree. It is true, and Ezzo’s no different. Because Dr Sears does the same thing. We can all find research and studies to back up our claims, can’t we? The issue with Ezzo is the negativity and badmouthing he gives to those who DO demand feed, who DO wear babies in slings and who DO respond to their babies cries more quickly. I feel guilty reading his book, just as I’m sure other mothers will feel guilty reading Dr Sears books and weblog!

One other thing that truly bothered me was his lack of advising mothers where to go if there are issues with breastfeeding. (he may not like LLL, but they are a wealth of knowledge in a very specific area unlike him!). He cautions against lactation educators who are biased towards AP style parenting. Even goes so far as to tell mothers to “warn” other mothers about them, and to advise their pediatrician about them. He isn’t taking into account that some babies and parents do better with the other way of parenting, and he certainly doesn’t admit that his way of parenting isn’t the only way of parenting! He doesn’t take into account either that infants are like adults – our appetites fluctuate and vary from day to day --- and that snacks are healthy for all. Although he does say “feed the baby when baby is hungry”, all his other advise tells you to make sure that you’re not feeding your baby any earlier than the schedule you want him on. He also doesn’t take into account that you can’t “see” how much the baby is getting, or that sometimes baby may be hungrier than he was the day before. (and that perhaps sometimes, a baby wants dessert an hour later!) And he only pays lip service to growth spurts, which truly can wreak havoc on any baby’s “schedule” – parent led or not!

He does spend considerable time helping parents understand how to make sure that a baby gets a good feed in when he does feed – ensuring both foremilk and hindmilk. This I cannot argue with, and wholly agree with. The difference I have though, is that even demand fed babies can and will do this. I “demand” fed my last two babies, and was given proper instruction on how to ensure a good feed. (ie good latch, good positioning, length of time, swallowing etc). They instinctively went to a 2 ½ - 3 hour feeding schedule. But if in the evenings they wanted it more often, I did so, believing and recognizing that they needed more and that the extra stimulation wasn’t a bad thing! And both my babies were sleeping through the night during the second half of their first year, which was fine by me. And if they woke up – it wasn’t a big deal. I also tell my students/clients that if the baby is fussy and seemingly not feeding well (aka feeding every 1-2 hours constantly through the day), that it isn’t necessarily a schedule issue, as much as it is a feeding issue, and that a visit with a good board certified lactation consultant is in order. (or their midwife).

Most parents also use common sense when it comes to soothing a fussy baby. When I teach my classes, I stress the importance of understanding your baby’s cries. I don’t recommend feeding your baby every time he fusses!! That’s ridiculous, and most mothers with common sense won’t do that. But I do recommend giving your baby attention when he cries, responding to his needs whatever they may be. And if that means sleeping with your baby in close proximity, then do it.

I also don’t agree that all babies can and should sleep through the night at 8 weeks like he says. Yes, there are babies that can do that, whether parent led or infant led …but it shouldn’t be seen as the badge of “good mommyhood” if your baby DOES sleep through the night, and it shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night until the second half of their first year or not even until after they are 1 years old.

There’s also the issue of co-sleeping and bed-sharing. (which is different if you didn’t know). Co-sleeping can be seen as even having baby’s bed within arms length of your own, or a bed attached to yours. There are many people in “power” who don’t approve of bed sharing. Recently there was a study published from Britain that was widely spread, showing, apparently that bedsharing was downright dangerous and contributed to many deaths. However, a closer look at that study revealed that the babies that did die while bed sharing had parents who used unsafe sleeping habits – including smoking, drinking or doing drugs, and non-firm sleep areas, including sofa sleeping. There is much research done to show the benefits of mom and baby sleeping in close proximity to each other. Of course, Dr Sears has a section on it: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp (with some very interesting research he himself conducted).

But more notably is the research done by Toronto based sleep researcher Dr James McKenna ……. http://www.nd.edu/~jmckenn1/lab/index.html (this is his official website) --- who has some pretty convincing data related to why babies should 1) awake at night, and 2) sleep with mother.

He also simply does not understand the benefits of wearing baby in a sling. He disses it constantly through his book, which can lead mothers to believe that sling wearing is bad. He equates it only with the “artificial womb” theory …which shows how little he understands the benefits of slings. He even states that carrying a baby in a sling may increase neck and back problems, or even create them …when in fact, slings will not do that because of the weight being evenly distributed as compared to a front carrier. He alludes to the belief that wearing a baby will create a very dependent child, which is opposite of what some research tells us. See Dr Sears information on baby wearing and the how’s and why’s of it: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/5/T051100.asp

In conclusion, if you do use or want to use Ezzo’s “Baby Wise”, please go ahead, but read other books to get a balanced perspective. If you read it, and like it, and think “this is good for us” - then go for it. If at some point you believe it’s not working, abandon it and do what comes more naturally for you. I do think that all of us as mothers have the God given ability to parent our infants/children the best way we know how. (and I think most parents do a combination of AP and PDF). In the end, I don’t think any person can say “I have the only and best way for parenting”, because that simply isn’t true. What works for one may not work for another. And each parent has a different parenting philosophy. Mine is more in line with Dr Sears and others, while yours may be more in line with Dr Ezzo and others like Ferber. (and I still wouldn’t recommend the Baby Wise books to my parents. I still feel there are other, better books to read to help navigate the infant stage).

If you have friends or family who encourage you to use the CIO method because “it worked for me and my babies” but your heart says “ don’t do it” …then don’t do it.

Above all, be informed. Those of you who know me, know that’s my mantra. “Knowledge is power”. There are so many parenting books out there – including other Christian ones like Dr Dobson’s books. Then there are the Tripp books, and the Smalley books, and the Kimmel books. Read them, and use what works for YOU and your family!